The other day someone asked me how old Josh was, and I told them he was 3. This is the truth he is 3, but he is actually 3.5 and the reason I told them he was only 3 was because he was doing something truly amazing that most newly 3 year old's can not do. I wanted the person to be proud of him, and of course look at me in adoration as though I actually played a part in him learning this skill. Now the opposite is also true. After an extremely loud melt down in Fred Meyer someone asked me "How old is he?" and I said "He is ONLY 3".....I realize Josh is a giant and knowing that I fear that people think he is actually older than he is, therefore expecting more out of him....in that moment I wanted to tell her he was almost 3, but I figured that would be too far of a stretch.
So why do I do this? Why do I feel like I need to label my child in efforts to feel good or okay about myself. I do it with Jaxon too, when he is having a good day he JUST turned 5 in August and on the bad days he is a really YOUNG 5 in Pre-K. I even do it with the age difference between the boys....sometimes I really want the sympathy that they are ONLY 18 months apart, I really want you to say "Oh wow you have your hands full", I do, I shouldn't need anyone else to tell me that I do....but wow it feels good when someone recognizes it.
I guess that is the bottom line of my need....I have a need for people to recognize me. If I am being honest I want people to feel sorry for me and put me on a pedestal for doing this AMAZING thing of raising two boys. Maybe the lack of performance reviews has really taken it's toll on me. I truly have no hope of getting a raise with this job. Promotions are pretty slim, unless you count the promotion of getting out of diapers or transitioning to each school year. I felt like I should have received an award or some kind of cash prize when Jaxon finally went poop on the potty....and sadly I got nothing, because truly it was HIS accomplishment not mine.
I am hoping that one of these days I can be more selfless and just look at my kids in awe and not need to have validation or sympathy for raising them. I will say that may take a while, remember I am an only child and pretty used to it being "all about me!"
